I'm not allowed to talk about feeling suicidal. I feel it every day, but I won't act on it because I know that whatever combination of pills I swallow won't kill me, and I'll end up back in the psych ward. If I jump off the Brooklyn Bridge, I'll survive with massive spinal injuries. I won't die. I'm not that lucky.
Even my own mother doesn't show me love and affection anymore. She's just constantly angry at me for feeling suicidal. When I'm home, she locks her bedroom door.
Put yourself in my shoes. Imagine you put your whole life into your passion, went to conservatory for it, then went to a medical "professional" for a WRONG diagnosis who fucked up your instrument. Then spent 2 years going to "professionals" who couldn't help you or could only help you partly. FINALLY ONE person's methods start to show you major improvement and then BAM! You fall down some stairs and shatter your fucking ankle and then you're in Mt. Sanai Hospital for a week and stop doing the voice therapist's exercises because you're exhausted from surgery and relapse HARD.
Now it's January. It's been a total of two years of trying to fix what that SHITTY voice therapist did to you and you've just gotten out of a 3-week stay in the psych ward for a suicide attempt, and miraculously, for an entire month, the worst of the pain, the stabbing pain, is completely gone. You're singing again and although it still feels off, you think for sure that the worst of the pain is gone. Then you overnight babysit a kid whose single mom is away on business for 4 nights and you catch her fucking LARYNGITIS and then the old muscle memory which has only been gone for a month (not gone long enough to be completely out of your system) comes back in and clenches up your throat muscles thinking it needs to help your sick larynx push your vocal cords together. Laryngitis goes away but the awful pain that you thought was gone forever remains. Then you go see an overpriced, dickface doctor who despises you because you're not all smiley when you're in excruciating pain and charges a fortune for a half hour laryngeal release massage and 5 or so days later you're better, but your suicidal outbursts have already made your boyfriend whom you ADORE put your relationship "on break."
You're seeing a new speech therapist who is GUESSING because there's no standard plan of care for a tongue base pulling to the left - it's so uncommon. Then you find online a woman who does vocal massage for your condition, and the testimonials are very encouraging, and you start to feel hope, but then you think, "Oh, aren't I just a fucking dumb shit for having hope. I've only seen a dozen other 'miracle workers' who didn't cure me. Why should this one be any different? I'm a DUMB SHIT!!!"
Then you call your boyfriend to break up because you realize you're too much of a fucking mess to give to a relationship, but then you tell him that you don't feel like life is worth living if you can't sing because it's not just something you do, it's IN YOUR SPIRIT, IT'S WHO YOU ARE, so he hangs up on you because you're not allowed to say you think about suicide and still be his friend. He's one of the best people you've ever had the pleasure of meeting, but now he just wants nothing to do with you at all. You're not ALLOWED to be suicidal!
Meanwhile, your mom is nasty to you because you constantly tell her you wish you were dead, when instead she should be consoling you.
I don't have any plans to kill myself at the moment because I KNOW that whatever I would do wouldn't work, just like swallowing a bottle of muscle relaxants didn't work, just like it didn't work for the kid in the "support" group I used to go to who jumped off the Tappan Zee Bridge and wound up surviving with beautiful new spinal injuries. So NO, folks, there's no need to call the fucking cops.
I am just sick of everyone telling me that I'M the person who doesn't deserve anybody because look at me, I'm the person who needs friends and consolation more than ANYONE right now! If you care about me, DON'T BE MAD AT ME BECAUSE I FEEL THIS WAY. TRY INSTEAD TO CONVINCE ME NOT TO FEEL THIS WAY!!!!
Do I have ANY friends out there? At all?
