Okay, I am trying this new thing.
I am trying to not worry about whether I'll sing again. I am trying to just decide that I WILL SING AGAIN.
I'm trying that "Law of Attraction" thing from "The Secret." It is difficult for me to believe but I am TRYING because two people I love very much are really firm about it, and no, I DON'T think they're just saying it to shut me up.
I actually CAN sing pretty well right now, but the words move all over my head, left, right, diagonally up, diagonally down, moreso on exercises than on actual songs.
I know this is all because of incorrect muscle pulling. My vocal cords are 100% normal on the scopes. I also no longer get stabbing pains after singing, and the choking sensation is dying down a lot!
I am seeing this new massage therapist, Christine, who specializes in vocal massage. www.lifelightmassage.com/vmassage.html
I am hoping it will be as simple as as the muscles relax, they will, over time, automatically go back to their normal functioning.
IS THAT REALISTIC?!?!?!?!?!
I am also doing vowels with my new voice therapist, Marlene. Because my tongue base is pulling to the left, we are trying to neutralize its position back to center.
Saturday, March 7, 2015
Sunday, March 1, 2015
I Can't Forgive Myself
There was a time when my voice problems could have been easily fixed with a little pill called Nexium.
I'll explain.
Early Fall 2013, I went to an ENT with complaints of a constant post-nasal drip creating a lump in my throat. Turned out it was reflux. He put me on Dexilant, which he conveniently had free samples of, then on the follow up visit, told me I had to stop it.
"You're too young," he said, "You could get osteoporosis. I only put you on that drug as an experiment to see if you had reflux."
So I came off of the drug cold turkey because he didn't wean me like you're supposed to do with those drugs and I got way worse.
I took OTC Prilosec for a while and felt a lot better, but his warning haunted me and I kept going on and off of it.
March 2014 I FINALLY got an appointment with an extremely busy singers' laryngologist in Tarrytown. He also refused to prescribe me reflux medication and put me on a HIGHLY restrictive, mostly vegan diet.
I cried hysterically for days because I couldn't have my favorite foods, which were all acid foods. Chocolate, tomato sauce, balsamic vinegar, pickled things, lemony things, etc.
I went on and off his diet and had perfectly normal voice days when I followed it, except for a bit of trouble projecting high notes, but certainly no problems speaking ever. I had a hard time even speaking when I went off it the slightest bit. His voice therapist actually cured me and got my high notes back in full projection. I got an offer to be in a girl band. I had a new car, polished voice, I was ready.
But I was skinny. Something I had never been in my life. My mom had a huge worry about it. Looking back, I was actually at an ideal weight and not underweight at all. Just underweight compared to how I used to be.
ALL I DID was BITCH and COMPLAIN about the reflux diet, about how much I hated my body for rejecting so many HEALTHY foods like tomatoes and lemons. My self-image was very poor because I resented my body for having this condition. I used to eat plates of pasta with tomato sauce and tell my body, "TAKE IT, YOU ASSHOLE, AND DON'T REFLUX IT BACK UP, YOU PIECE OF SHIT BODY OF MINE, MAKING ME UNHAPPY!"
I should have been more open-minded and should have realized I could have found new favorite foods.
Instead, we went to another ENT in hopes that he would give me a reflux drug like Nexium so I'd be able to eat whatever I wanted, but instead he overreached and pointed out a small paresis that would have regenerated on its own in 18 months (confirmed now, it did) and sent me to his voice therapist. Her exercises hurt me but I kept doing them because I was so relieved I could eat normally again that I assumed I could trust her. Also, I was so angry at the doctor who put me on the highly restrictive diet that I wanted him so badly to be WRONG to the point where I kept doing exercises that, if not blinded by anger at the past doctor and a burning desire for chocolate, I would have realized would hurt me down the road.
Every morning I wake up and I'm actually in denial. I think I'm still 25 and can control my voice problems with food. It always takes me about 10 minutes to realize it's not the case anymore, that I have been recovering from severe muscle tension dysphonia caused by a VOICE THERAPIST who worked with a doctor who gave me an OVERREACHING DIAGNOSIS.
You see, it's MY OWN FAULT because I didn't follow the diet, bitched about it and drove my mother nuts enough to bring me somewhere else.
All day I think about how my life would be different if I had just accepted the diet. I'd be an established local NYC musician by now. I'd have my own apartment, because I wouldn't have spent the past 2 years barely able to talk and therefore unable to work. I'd have a boyfriend. I'd have a life.
It has been suggested to me by a couple of people that my refusal (or I think, just plain inability) to forgive myself is slowing my recovery from the dysphonia.
The last doctor I went to said, "Well, with Muscle Tension Dysphonia it's all muscle memory, so you can undo whatever has been done."
Technically he is right. But muscle memory takes a long time to reverse and I feel like my muscles just don't want to reverse fully.
I'm making progress in voice therapy, my pain has decreased significantly and my singing is coming back. Still, I'm worried I might never be able to reach my full vocal potential now that I would have if I had never seen that voice therapist.
Plus the years I lost - 25, 26. I'm 27 now. Will people accept me singing Avril-like music when I'm pushing 30? Did I blow all my chances?
I hate myself for what I did to myself and I want someone to shoot me.
I'll explain.
Early Fall 2013, I went to an ENT with complaints of a constant post-nasal drip creating a lump in my throat. Turned out it was reflux. He put me on Dexilant, which he conveniently had free samples of, then on the follow up visit, told me I had to stop it.
"You're too young," he said, "You could get osteoporosis. I only put you on that drug as an experiment to see if you had reflux."
So I came off of the drug cold turkey because he didn't wean me like you're supposed to do with those drugs and I got way worse.
I took OTC Prilosec for a while and felt a lot better, but his warning haunted me and I kept going on and off of it.
March 2014 I FINALLY got an appointment with an extremely busy singers' laryngologist in Tarrytown. He also refused to prescribe me reflux medication and put me on a HIGHLY restrictive, mostly vegan diet.
I cried hysterically for days because I couldn't have my favorite foods, which were all acid foods. Chocolate, tomato sauce, balsamic vinegar, pickled things, lemony things, etc.
I went on and off his diet and had perfectly normal voice days when I followed it, except for a bit of trouble projecting high notes, but certainly no problems speaking ever. I had a hard time even speaking when I went off it the slightest bit. His voice therapist actually cured me and got my high notes back in full projection. I got an offer to be in a girl band. I had a new car, polished voice, I was ready.
But I was skinny. Something I had never been in my life. My mom had a huge worry about it. Looking back, I was actually at an ideal weight and not underweight at all. Just underweight compared to how I used to be.
ALL I DID was BITCH and COMPLAIN about the reflux diet, about how much I hated my body for rejecting so many HEALTHY foods like tomatoes and lemons. My self-image was very poor because I resented my body for having this condition. I used to eat plates of pasta with tomato sauce and tell my body, "TAKE IT, YOU ASSHOLE, AND DON'T REFLUX IT BACK UP, YOU PIECE OF SHIT BODY OF MINE, MAKING ME UNHAPPY!"
I should have been more open-minded and should have realized I could have found new favorite foods.
Instead, we went to another ENT in hopes that he would give me a reflux drug like Nexium so I'd be able to eat whatever I wanted, but instead he overreached and pointed out a small paresis that would have regenerated on its own in 18 months (confirmed now, it did) and sent me to his voice therapist. Her exercises hurt me but I kept doing them because I was so relieved I could eat normally again that I assumed I could trust her. Also, I was so angry at the doctor who put me on the highly restrictive diet that I wanted him so badly to be WRONG to the point where I kept doing exercises that, if not blinded by anger at the past doctor and a burning desire for chocolate, I would have realized would hurt me down the road.
Every morning I wake up and I'm actually in denial. I think I'm still 25 and can control my voice problems with food. It always takes me about 10 minutes to realize it's not the case anymore, that I have been recovering from severe muscle tension dysphonia caused by a VOICE THERAPIST who worked with a doctor who gave me an OVERREACHING DIAGNOSIS.
You see, it's MY OWN FAULT because I didn't follow the diet, bitched about it and drove my mother nuts enough to bring me somewhere else.
All day I think about how my life would be different if I had just accepted the diet. I'd be an established local NYC musician by now. I'd have my own apartment, because I wouldn't have spent the past 2 years barely able to talk and therefore unable to work. I'd have a boyfriend. I'd have a life.
It has been suggested to me by a couple of people that my refusal (or I think, just plain inability) to forgive myself is slowing my recovery from the dysphonia.
The last doctor I went to said, "Well, with Muscle Tension Dysphonia it's all muscle memory, so you can undo whatever has been done."
Technically he is right. But muscle memory takes a long time to reverse and I feel like my muscles just don't want to reverse fully.
I'm making progress in voice therapy, my pain has decreased significantly and my singing is coming back. Still, I'm worried I might never be able to reach my full vocal potential now that I would have if I had never seen that voice therapist.
Plus the years I lost - 25, 26. I'm 27 now. Will people accept me singing Avril-like music when I'm pushing 30? Did I blow all my chances?
I hate myself for what I did to myself and I want someone to shoot me.
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